Imaginary
by Unlegally Insane
Summary: Lily escapes form the pressure in Hogwarts, only to be found by James. When James needs an escape, can she help? L/J oneshot, songfic, dark, rated K for sadness. I am not proud of it, but I am not taking it down. Read at your own risk.


**Disclaimer: I own nada… not the characters, not the song.**

_I linger in the doorway  
Of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name_

_Let me stay_

I rubbed my eyes, trying to push the sleep out of my eyes. I was so tired, of everything. Tired of the constant fear from Lord Voldemort's rise, tired of the constant fear to be perfect. I wanted to sleep forever. Never to wake up, just to live in my dreams. I wished I could just slip into them. How could the present offer anything that wasn't in my dreams? No Voldemort, no pressure, no fear, no James. It was perfect.

Sighing sadly, I threw my warm covers off my body. Another day. I was Head Girl, perfect, untouchable. I was so sick of the façade I put up to protect myself. I was so insecure when I came to Hogwarts, that I threw myself into the studies. After a month, no one could imagine me being wrong.

I had to be perfect. Now, the pressure was too much. I wanted to escape this reality I was trapped in, make a new name for myself. Unfortunately, it was too late. I was stuck.

_Where the wind will whisper to me  
Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story_

The sun was shining, I couldn't help it. It looked so right, so healing. I went outside, just for a minute. I really was going to go to Transfiguration. But the sun, the wind. The wind whipped around my face, breathlessly pouring compliments. I couldn't tear myself away. I needed this.

I cut Transfiguration. I lay in the sun, watching the clouds gather overhead. I felt the temperature drop, until the clear golden light was muted to grey. I still lay there, basking in nature's changes. Then, a fat raindrop plopped down on my skin. It was warm, rolling gently down my face. Like a tear.

The rain began to fall, heavier and heavier. I lay in the soaked grass, letting the water wash over me. It felt as right as the sun. My secret getaway. I was myself, not this goddess on a pedestal.

_In my field of paper flowers  
And candy clouds of lullaby  
_

I lay there until I heard the end-of-class bell chime, carried on the breeze. Then I sat up, and saw flowers, of all colors and sizes. It was like my dream. I bent down, and picked a scarlet rose. Smiling, I raised it to my face. The rumble of thunder and rush of winds sounded like a lullabye.

I was home. The sweet scent of the rose mixed with all the flowers, and wafted around me. I felt so cleansed, so free. I couldn't go back. I was me, broken away from all thoughts of who I am.

"Do you like it?" A rich tenor voice asks from behind me. I spin around quickly, startled. I knew the voice. I come face to face with James Potter. The bane of my existence.

"I was." I couldn't bring myself to insult him. After doing all of this, for me, who had scorned him so much. "Thank you. I needed this."

"I could tell. You lay in the rain, soaking up the pure elemental bliss. I could almost feel your need for nature. I hope I helped." With a genuine smile, quite unlike the flirty smiles he shot my way, he walked away. This was not the James Potter I knew.

_I lie inside myself for hours  
And watch my purple sky fly over me_

I followed him back towards Hogwarts, feeling refreshed, not panicking that the two Heads had cut class. I felt liberated, choosing to just take what life threw at me. One hour of just laying in my mind, letting thoughts hit me like incoming waves. Soon, they had drained out, like water from a tub. I was empty, clean, clear.

The sky had been so beautiful today. Encompassing all parts of life. Pure blue, flawless, was how it began. True bliss. Then a few clouds began to chase across its bowl. The beginnings of trouble and discomfort stirred. Soon, clouds were pouring across the sky, true panic, and desolation. At the same time however, the stormy beauty of it was as peaceful as the empty sky. I learned so much. Life in all facets is beautiful.

And I saw a different facet of James. Maybe he deserved a chance.

_Don't say I'm out of touch  
With this rampant chaos - your reality  
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge  
_

I stumbled into Charms, in some alternate universe. All the colors were so much clearer. It was as if the world had been thrown into high definition. I saw everything. I heard the murmurs, behind my back, wondering where I had been. I ignored them. I was here, while they were away.

James caught my eye, and I smiled. He seemed so nice, after the flower creation. How could he change so quickly? Perhaps he had been changing for a while, and this was the first time I noticed.

Three owls burst into the room, black parchment in their beaks. One flew over to James, dropped it into his lap. His face paled. Not thinking, I walked over, grabbed his hand. He looked up at me, surprised.

"Who?" Everyone knew what a black parchment meant. Death. My eyes pricked with tears. How could my opinion of him change so fast?

"My dad. He was an Auror." I squeezed his hand.

"The first shock hurts the most. Then it numbs you, to the core. Do you need an escape?" He just nodded.

_The nightmare I built my own world to escape_

After class, I took him towards the Room of Requirement. I discovered it in fourth year, when I ran around the castle, trying to find a place to escape my mother's death. I walked him towards it. Pacing in front of the hidden entrance, I thought of my dream. The door materialized.

"What is this?" James gasped, his voice a mix of awe and grief. I just beckoned him to come. We walked in the door, and found ourselves in a murky forest. Golden light was trickling down between the leaves, pale silver mist floating.

"Welcome to my escape from reality. A nightmare and dream rolled up in one." We wandered around together for the rest of the day. After an hour, the grief in James's eyes lessened. We just escaped from reality.

_In my field of paper flowers  
And candy clouds of lullaby  
I lie inside myself for hours  
And watch my purple sky fly over me_

Of course, leaving hurt, being sheltered is better when you never leave. But we had to leave, leave the woods, the flowers, the sense of tranquility. We were in the innermost sanctum of my mind, and now we were back in the cold world.

"Did that help?" My voice was quiet, I was afraid to look him in the eye. I pleaded internally for him to say yes, it helped.

"Yes. It helped me adjust to the pain. The hollowness." His voice was better, not so empty.

"I always thought the void was worse, after Mama died. The pain made it real, but the emptiness, that made it a nightmare. I couldn't wake up." He nodded slowly.

Then, out of the blue, he leaned down, and kissed me gently on the lips. Quickly, he pulled away, and walked away. Not even a second glance my way. I was left alone. Again.

_Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming  
_

That night, I had a nightmare. I was locked in a small room, walls pressing in on three sides. The last wall was a window, where I saw my mother dying, my father killing himself in sorrow. I saw all my friends murdered by Death Eaters and Voldemort. Last, James was dragged into the room. I couldn't bear anymore.

I screamed. My screaming is what woke me up. A hollow ache lay deep inside me. It was worse than when Mama died. It was all James's fault. He ripped me open, to my core. I had exposed myself, my innermost self to him, and he just walks away. I get a kiss. Nothing more.

Of course, it was ironic. I had always hated his affection towards me. Now, when it ebbed, I craved it. I was not blind to my folly. I tried to comfort myself. It is better to love and to lose than never love at all. Absence makes the heart grow fond. It didn't work.

I wanted James.

_Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights  
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming  
_

I began to fall back asleep, but my dreams were tormented. I woke every hour to my screams. The next night, I couldn't sleep. I refused to. The nightmares were too much. It was over. I began to hate the night.

The deception of the calm blue-black, which was nothing to the raging turbulence in my mind. The peaceful stars, twinkling down, contrasted to my deep fears. I began to fear the night, where my thoughts gained disturbing twists. How I prayed to sleep without the nightmares. But every time my eyes closed in sleep, there they were. I didn't get more than an hour of sleep a night. My prefect façade began to slip. I began to crack down the middle.

_The goddess of imaginary light_

Until three weeks after James's letter came, my life was crumbling. The twenty-second day after, James came up to me. His eyes showed the true depth of his concern, and his love.

"Lily, you look like you are afraid of the shadows. What is wrong?" His voice was so calming, so sweet, I couldn't stop it. All my problems flowed out. I told him everything, from Petunia hating me, to my nightmares. And then, even worse, my love for him poured out.

"I know I hurt you. I know it. But, Merlin, James! You kiss me, and I realized everything. I love you. You don't have to love me back. I don't deserve it, but--" I was cut off by his lips on mine.

"I love you too. Be my girlfriend?" Hs voice was soft, a breath in my ear. I just nodded.

That night, I slept with his arm around me. He chased away my nightmares. My protector.


End file.
